We are not just here to survive, we are here to thrive and feel all the way alive.
#LongPostAhead
One night, reading the quote above brought tears to my eyes. You might know this already, but for the past five years, all I did was survive. And as those words sunk to the depths of my soul, it felt as if a dam inside was broken. My tears wouldn’t stop flowing for long minutes.
Here’s my truth: Long before my father’s death, I was already grieving. I grieved for him losing his strong physical health back in 2017 because of stroke, I grieved for him losing his sharp wit that the dementia stole and which tested our patience. I grieved for my happy-go-lucky self who used to wear pretty rose-colored glasses. I witnessed how my 23 year old self got frozen in time, because right then and there in the cold hospital room, on that very first night I spent alone, wide awake while watching over my papa, I knew life will never be the same again. Even until now, i still don’t like sleeping in airconditioned rooms. I still remember how I sat on the couch hugging myself, with thoughts whirling in my head, interrupted only every hour or so by helpful nurses going in and out to monitor. Just days before, my only problem was submitting my term papers on time. I had a clear path ahead of me. That night, I became completely unsure of the future. Funny, I did not weep that night, no. But I did at some nights, even years after.
On Sickness
Living with sickness that loomed so heavily over us, was mentally-draining and a soul-sucking experience. And experiencing burnout is definitely, 100% not recommended. But love, I’ve learned, is something more powerful. Love will enable you to sacrifice. It can even make a free-spirit stay.
Travel x Mental Health
I’ve been traveling locally since college days. I never run out of places because… 7,100 islands (Long way to go, Art.). But ever since that night, travel has taken a new meaning for me. It became one of the self-care strategies that made those dark years bearable. Being in nature restores me. In those 3 years before pandemic, I have used up every single one of my leaves, but here’s another secret (not-so-secret tbh), they’re all worth it I never ever regretted going on a planned trip, or even to a spontaneous, sumama-na-lang-bigla/kaladkarin moments. Heck, I even fell in love in one out-of-the-blue outreach. No regrets, still.
On Love Lost
To my ex, I forgive you for not staying, even when you promised you would. You knew of my trust issues, still you made me believe in romantic love. I guess that was the point of meeting you. You made me hope. And yes, you were right, I needed you. Maybe a bit too much. And I am grateful for everything. But you were wrong on saying that I did not love you. Because I did. In all the ways I know how, with everything I could still give.
I’m sorry you felt you could not make me happy, it’s on me alone, not because “you’re not enough”. I’m sorry that you felt you were not a priority, for being “self-centered”…I hope you’ve forgiven me for not being fully there for you in your challenges. I’m sorry you were not in my “future plans”, the truth was, I simply did not have one. In my survival mode, the pandemic was just all too much. I couldn’t blame you, if I could have, I would have abandoned myself too at that point.
I know how hard it must have been for you, how helpless you must have felt. I understand, because I know you. Here’s another truth: I knew. I knew it was coming, I knew eventually you’ll get tired. I just didn’t have the heart to let go first. I had hoped that you would stand by my side despite it all. Because you said you were at your happiest loving me. But in the end, I’m proud of you for choosing yourself, and then choosing someone else, and I’m glad to have finally let you go.
With a sick senior parent who needed to go to the hospital every now and then, with all the covid-anxiety and protocols, tested me to my limits. And with no travel as form of self-care, you were all that I held on to, and music and books and the few close friends who were like sisters to me.
On Grace
So more than wanting to honor myself for transcending all those storms, I want to say my gratitude to those who have been with me for all those years. To my best friends and close friends, thank you and sorry. It must have been exhausting to see me, be with me for the past years. It must be draining to root for me and yet see me rise and fall again, rise and then crumble again, to watch me battle one storm after another with all the drama in between. Thank you for your love and compassion. I owe you my sanity, my life.
On Death
If I’m totally honest, with my natural *almost psychic* sensitivity, I sensed death way before it transpired. That November, there were so many signs. I don’t know if you believe in this stuff, but I bargained with God. As I begged him five years ago, I pleaded once again. With my heart still mending from a brutal breakup, I kept praying: “Please I’m still not ready. Give me more time. Hindi ko kaya. I won’t make it this time.”
But with that prayer answered, I saw him suffer. And an empath seeing a loved one suffer is a death on its own. I saw him losing will. But he was trying, still. And that was enough for me.
December and January went and I’ve become a shell of the girl with radiant smiles and grand plans to heal and brighten up the world. I couldn’t heal my father. I couldn’t even begin to heal myself, with one heartbreaking event after another, I was again on rock-bottom.
On Healing
February 1, I flew to Boracay, deciding to stay for two weeks or so, to heal. I had decided that I’ll be useless anyway if I continue going on like that.
Maybe it was the place itself, maybe it was the good people I met, maybe it was the books I read that time, but I did heal at some point.
Tower Moment
Then came March, and life as we know, my colleagues and I were told to work onsite. And on May 2, 2022, I received the bad news. My father’s death. Sickness was cruel. But death? That was really something else.
Love Bears All Things
So here’s to everyone I came across with, whether you’re a friend, an ex workmate I lost touch with, the loving boss who approved my leaves, my best friend’s family who treated me like their own, or just an acquaintance, or maybe we shared an org, or spent a day or two traveling together, I’d like to think that meeting me, have touched you somehow. I hope that you still remember my smiles, my high-pitched laughter, maybe that twinkle in my eyes when I talk about something I love. Because in those bleak years, each smile I gave was precious, each laugh was genuine. Thank you for accepting me as I am even when I was at my worst.
So what I really want to say is that, thank you for everyone who’s supported me, who’s still here with me. Thank you for not muting me, no matter how sentimental, melodramatic and morose most of my social media content has been. Thank you for everyone who stayed because you know my heart very well, regardless of everything it has gone through. Thank you for the moral support, the words of encouragement, the sympathy messages, the likes and hearts especially when I write something so personal and important for me. Your little gestures make my heart warm in what has been the coldest year of my life.
So thank you.
And nope, not a (.) letter. This is just a year end essay. I’m about to close a heavy chapter in my life, and I just want to write something, anything, to remember it all.
If I’ve ever learned anything from this, it’s that life can give you its most beautiful moments even in a time of hardship. So to my fellow ‘travellers’ of life in their dark chapters right now, I promise, the world has so much beauty inspite of it all.
So no worries (I know I make people worry about me at times..). Let’s all have a brighter 2023.
As for that girl who got frozen in a hospital room? She started thawing out, with all the sunshine she’s been soaking up lately.
I know she’ll rise again.
She always does, by God’s grace
Artelis 